Vulnerable Page from My Diary: Emotions I've Never Shared

For years, I've kept a diary of my concussion recovery where I write when I'm feeling down. Initially, I felt unsure about sharing this, but I realized if my words can help even one person, then it's worth it.

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The page of my diary 2 years after my concussion:

Inside, it feels like my lifestyle is different from what I'm living now. So when I miss people from the past, it's a longing for a lifestyle that no longer exists.

How it used to be, before the accident.

Less thinking, enjoying parties, and everything just flowed effortlessly.

Now everything feels heavier. Just a busy evening and I already need to recover.

So that's what I feel in terms of grief, and when there's a moment I feel like my old self again, it evokes certain feelings.

Feelings that I miss.

I miss the person I was. The lifestyle and carefree life with many social contacts, enjoyable work where I felt completely at home.

Yet, since I moved to Amsterdam (even before my accident), I've always felt like something was off.

Was I an introvert who wanted to be extraverted for the world?

It often felt like I always felt 'different' from others, always somewhat uncertain.

Sometimes I want to escape when things get tough.

Escape from what is, escape from a life with more sadness, dealing with symptoms I don't want to feel.

Fighting against them, ignoring them but never accepting them.

Always just surviving and ignoring the signals from my body.

Seeking distractions just to feel nothing.

Meanwhile, forgetting myself and rushing through everything to avoid having to pause anywhere.

Numb and pushing away every bit of feeling.

Am I losing myself in the wrong things? Will I ever feel that complete sense of ease that I once took for granted?

Knowing that my social life just goes on without any effort. 

Now I feel alone and nothing is without effort anymore. Unable to have a social life without overthinking.

A life where I feel intensely happy and in my place. Where I look forward to social engagements and feel sad when they're over.

I used to always be the last to leave.

No, it's different now. Now I'm the one who leaves first and is glad when it's over or doesn't even show up.

With everything now, I think: "this version of myself isn't fun." Always questioning if I can handle everything I do.

Finding happiness when I can be quietly at home. Alone. Where I can hide from the world again.

Not exposing myself to actions that give me symptoms.

Trying not to feel anything and seeking distraction in tasks just to keep going as if nothing is wrong.

Not wanting to confront life. The life I can no longer lead normally.

Always pushing forward. But where am I actually headed?

It feels like I'm trudging along in a train without a destination, not looking outside.

How do I feel right now?

This page is from my diary, written two years after the accident when I felt completely lost.

Now, it's been seven years since the accident, and I feel I've recovered about 80-90%. 

I can read those pages again without crying.

I can now close that chapter of my life, look back on it, and realize how much I've learned from it.

Free Masterclass: 2 Methods That Helped Me the Most

For those who are not yet and are curious about how I recovered to 80-90%...

I'm hosting a free masterclass about the two methods (researched by a neuroscientist) that helped me the most in my recovery.

I learned those methods at a concussion clinic.

They have been researched and proven effective by thousands of other survivors.  Click here or on the button below to register for free.

I hope to see you there and trust it will help you as much as it helped me. Sending love to all of you. Silvie

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The 2 proven methods to reduce concussion symptoms by 50% within 3 months.

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